Diana Fletcher

See Ya Later, Stress Creators!

Posted on 09. Apr, 2010 by Diana in Coaching, Health, Life Choices

Please remember that an event, a person, or your surroundings, are not in and of themselves, stressful.
It is our reaction to these events or people that cause the heart to race, the mind to spin and our muscles to tense. (Among many other reactions your body has!)

I would like you to think about a few things as you read the following article:

* You make choices everyday, every minute of every single day.
* What are you choosing? What small annoyances have you been choosing to tolerate?
* What have you convinced yourself? Have you told yourself that you cannot change things? Have you “accepted” that you are stuck, and that there is no getting out/changing events/leaving?

If you can keep these choices in mind as you read my descriptions and strategies, you may find that you start looking at things a different way.

And that can make all the difference in the world.

I would like to address the first of three areas today and give you some ideas for dealing with this in a healthy, life-enhancing manner.

Note: I am breaking this up into a three -part article and will continue in the next ezine.

The first step in making changes is to recognize the areas that you need to make them, and realize that it is your decision whether or not you will continue to deal with them.

The first area is People.

This is the area I get the most questions on, and the typical question goes something like this:
“I already do all the things you suggest. I take care of myself, I exercise, I try to manage my time and give myself breaks….but it is my boss, my co-worker, my husband, my children…..they come in and make me crazy, and throw off my schedule.” Very valid issue to address.

Here’s what you do:

1. Remove.
2. Breathe.
3. Limit.

You need to Remove yourself from the immediate situation if at all possible. Use your manners (!) and excuse yourself from the area. If dealing with a teenager, say you will be right back and leave the room. (They do not like to be walked away from–make sure you tell them you are coming back to continue the discussion.)

Negative co-workers–say that you have something else to do. (More information below on co-workers.)

In the case of the boss, go to step # 2. (Often, numbers 1 and 2 are interchangeable.) Also, in the case of the boss, try to step outside yourself for a moment. By this I mean try to think about the other person. Your boss has a job to do. Whether or not you agree with how he/she is doing it, that is really none of your business. When we take a few seconds to realize that their actions could be the result of stress they are under, we may be more patient. Don’t take everything personally. It is not always about you.

Breathe.You know that when you get stressed, one of the first things that happens is that your breathing begins to get shallower. You need to keep this in mind and immediately counteract the stressors’ impact by taking three deep breaths. I have told you this before, but it always bears repeating: DO NOT be fooled by the simplicity of this!

Slow, deep breathing revitalizes your brain, your cells–every part of your body. It is calming, and has the added benefit of giving you time to think before you speak. (This can prevent further stress–think about it!)

Remember, breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose, and slowly breathe out through your mouth. Empty the air out completely, then repeat. (Three times is ideal.)

Limit. Here is where you need to get the most creative.

You need to start limiting your time with the people who activate your stress reactions.
If they are the people at work, really look at the time you spend interacting.

* Do you stop every morning to complain/gossip/compare notes with a co-worker, then end up feeling annoyed as you start your workday?
* Do you spend every lunch hour talking about work with other employees?
* Do you assume that you have to do everything for family members or it won’t get done?!
* Do you tell yourself that you have to put up with people in your family that suck the energy right out of you?

Stop. There are always choices.

You can stop gossiping and complaining about work. Turn things around–you have a job; do your best. You can choose to look at your work in a positive or negative way.

You can limit your time on the phone with family members. (Did you know that you do not have to answer your phone every time it rings?)

You can get creative in looking for help for elderly family members and other people that you may take care of.
There are always alternatives if you choose to look for them. (There is that word again—choose!)

You have trained people to expect certain behavior from you.
Is that really their fault?
Other people will show more respect for you, when you show more respect for yourself. I want you to repeat this last sentence out loud, changing it slightly:

“Other people will show more respect for me, when I show more respect for myself.”

Another interesting take on other people comes from one of my favorites,
Eknath Easwaran:

“I need the opportunity to deepen my patience.”

Couldn’t we all use more patience?

Free up your energy for fun, and healthy living. Stop wasting time worrying and stressing about the other people in your lives! Take care of you and CHOOSE less stress!

*** Extra Coaching Tips:

1. After finishing a phone conversation that was somewhat stress reducing, take a nice deep breath and brush off every part of your body with your hands. You will be signaling your brain to “get rid of the negative stuff.”
2. Do the silent scream. Excuse yourself, go somewhere private, and scream silently.
3. Move. Do not let the negative energy, the obsessive thinking build up. Move your body even with a few steps from side to side, and this can “move the energy” to a better place.

I will continue this article later, discussing stressors caused by our environment and events.

Don’t Wait Until You Break Your Neck to Decide to be Happy!

Posted on 23. Aug, 2009 by Diana in Coaching, Health, Life Choices

The most important day of my life was the day I broke my neck.

The world changed. Every decision I made after that day was different than it would have been, had it not happened.

You grow up hearing, “Don’t do that—you’ll break your neck!” You hear about people diving into pools, and the horror of being a quadriplegic.

And here I was. I had broken my neck.

I was alive and I wasn’t paralyzed.

How had I gotten to this point in my life? How had I gotten to this emergency room, with a cervical fracture, and my favorite sundress, forever gone, cut off of me when I first arrived?

I woke up with two thoughts: Why I was sleeping in the middle of the day? And why the hell is the back of my head hurting so badly? I heard voices and realized I was surrounded by many people. A sharp object was exploring my foot and leg. Voices. “Can you feel this?” “Yes,” I told them. Then I asked if I could have a pillow because the back of my head hurt badly, and I received a startling reply.

“You were in a car accident. You broke your neck.”

I lifted my arms to feel my face. I had heard “broken neck,” but instinctively, I reached to see if my face was damaged. I was relieved as my hands felt smoothness. Ah, vanity.

My mind began sluggishly reviewing. The last thing I remembered was bringing a glass of iced tea toward my mouth. Then, a flash of another memory: very gentle hands holding my head, hands that may have saved my life. I learned that my companion’s shoulder was damaged, but he had no other injuries. The driver of the other vehicle, the boy who had sped through the red light, was not hurt.

Our vehicle was totaled.

When there is no paralysis, you still run the risk of the cracked vertebra shifting and damaging the spinal cord. In my case, the second vertebra was cracked. It was important for me to stay very still until they could create the brace and “halo” I would wear for the next two and a half months.

I spent the next two days, waiting…Waiting for the brace, waiting for my parents, waiting to get out of the hospital. And while I waited, I thought.

Lying there for two days, keeping as still as I could, so that I didn’t mess up my good fortune, I thought.

Throughout the drilling into my skull to insert the screws that would hold the apparatus in place, through the fear, the relief, and the realization that I had messed up my life so far, I continued to think.

I then made an important decision that has impacted my life everyday since. I decided I was going to be happy.

I had not been happy for a very long time. And now, I was going to turn things around. There was a reason I was still alive. There was a reason I was not paralyzed. I was going to change my life.

But honestly, I did not know how to myself happy. I was living with a person who didn’t love me and was selfish and unkind. It was a destructive relationship that I had stayed in out of desperation. My self-esteem was at an all-time low.

I have to go back a bit to tell of the path that led me to this turning point, my “quantum moment,” at the age of twenty-one.

I grew up in Michigan, always feeling an aching, a calling to me of something that I couldn’t name. I was always torn between a desire to run away and a longing for safety and home.

My first two years of college were spent first at Central Michigan, and then at Eastern Michigan. I liked learning but was never content. It was there, in Ypsilanti, Michigan, that I met Rick. I cannot count the number of times that I wished that I had never met him. But then, if I could, would I go back and change anything? I have read too many imaginative books about time travel. Any change you make, even the smallest, tiniest change can change the course of history. So, sadly, even if I could go back, I wouldn’t change any of the choices I made.

At the age of twenty, I dropped out of school to travel across the United States with a girlfriend. I was searching, but I didn’t know for what or why. I spent the next ten months traveling. It was incredible, but I did not find what I was looking for. We ended our trip in New Mexico, where Rick now lived, and there began a very sad period of my life.

I loved New Mexico. The heat, the air, the mysterious mountains, and the flat, dust-blown areas–all of those things I loved. I thought I loved Rick. I wanted him to love me.

The story of my life in New Mexico could be a whole book, and there certainly is not time for it here. Suffice it to say, I spent some of my unhappiest days there. I longed for happiness, respect and love. I longed for someone who I could respect and admire. I did not have any of that, and my heart aches for my younger self now. I foolishly moved to Garland, Texas, with Rick, for lack of anything better to do. He imagined his fortune awaited him there.

Don’t ask.

I immediately found a waitress job and Rick, as usual, didn’t find work. Five months after we had moved to Texas, as he talked yet again about some ridiculous money-making scheme, I realized that I could never stay with this man. I prayed that night to God to help me get out of this. I was desperate. I needed help. I needed salvation.

Little did I know in what form help would arrive. The very next day, as I sunbathed at the pool, I met someone nice and spent the day with him while Rick was god knows where. He invited me to go to his mom’s the next day for Mother’s Day. I shrugged, and thought, what the heck. I’m not sure what I told Rick when I left the next day.

Lying in my hospital bed, I thought, this is it. This is my wake-up call, the answer to my prayer. I don’t know why I am still living, but I have been given another chance to get my act together. There is a reason I am still alive.

I need to find out why.

The decision to be happy impacted all decisions after that. I still made stupid choices but never stayed with a boyfriend who didn’t treat me properly or who told me what to do.

I pushed myself, supported myself, and finished school. I became an elementary school teacher and I loved teaching.

I fell in love with Eric. We have been so happy together. I know he was one of the reasons I was supposed to live. I was supposed to share my life with him. When each of my three children was born, I thought, “Here is another reason I was supposed to stay.”

The most important decision I made was to quit drinking. Alcohol had always been a part of my life. I realized it was the last thing standing in my way of happiness and meaning. That day, the day I broke my neck, was huge. I live with the scars on my forehead from the screws. I have never considered plastic surgery. They are a reminder of my “life plan.”

I have a happy marriage, three remarkable children, and a life of freedom, love and respect. All the things I knew I wanted, and somehow could not achieve until I saw how quickly everything can change. How quickly I could lose my life.

I want my life to matter, and I have spent the last thirty years since the accident trying to make sure it does. I have taught children how to be happy and encouraged them to lives of meaning. I became a Life Coach and I use what I have learned to help others. I try to be forgiving when I am hurt. I do my best to “do the right thing.”

Recently I heard Wayne Dyer say, “Don’t die with the music still inside you.” I thought, “I am so happy that I didn’t!” I am spending my life living and hearing the music.

What kind of person would have I have been if I hadn’t experienced this trauma? I will never know. But I do feel, in my heart, that I am far better person than I would ever have been, if I hadn’t broken my neck.

Don’t wait to choose happiness.

Really. Don’t wait.

Choose happiness right now.

Diana Fletcher (c) 2009